


I Wish I Knew

by TwerkThatHazza



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: BoyxBoy, Death, Fluff, M/M, No Smut, Tear Jerker, lots of love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-08 00:21:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1126139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwerkThatHazza/pseuds/TwerkThatHazza
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Me, I’m not doing anything. Literally I can’t do anything, I can’t cry, sniffle or even breathe. It was like someone has pushed me underwater without an oxygen tank. Somehow, I’m still here though. Not mentally, but physically here. I looked down at the grass, my shoes scraping though it subconsciously. I still haven’t come to terms of what has happened. When we look back I wish I knew, that all of what you put me through, was half the pain you knew so well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Wish I Knew

**Author's Note:**

> Song used in this story (some of the italics): I Wish I Knew - Because They Can

I looked to the left of the area that I was standing in. People all dressed in black, their faces solemn with grief. Mothers, daughters and fathers, all crying over their lost loved one. Tears streaming down their faces, ruining the make up they tried so hard putting on.   
  
I looked to my right, and saw hundreds of paparazzi, and just a few thousands fans, all paying their respects. Tears running down the faces of the fans, all missing their idol that gave them so much to believe in.   
  
Beside me sat the bodies of my bandmates, all in the same position; hunched over, eyes red and puffy, physically and psychologically worn out. Liam is cuddling Niall, trying to get the younger more vulnerable boy to stop crying. He was always the most sensitive of us all, not afraid to show his feelings. Next to me is Louis. He is trying so hard not to cry; not looking any of us in the eye. His head is facing the floor, discretely wiping his eyes, ridding of the tears that just won’t stop flowing.   
  
Me, I’m not doing anything. Literally I can’t do anything, I can’t cry, sniffle or even breathe. It was like someone has pushed me underwater without an oxygen tank. Somehow, I’m still here though. Not mentally, but physically here. I looked down at the grass, my shoes scraping though it subconsciously. I still haven’t come to terms of what has happened.  _When we look back I wish I knew, that all of what you put me through, was half the pain you knew so well._    
  
***  
 _God I am so mad at him! Who the hell does he think he is? Just because Louis is his best friend, doesn’t mean that they can be all over each other! I’m his boyfriend for fucks sake! I’m sitting on the sofa in our living room, watching as my boyfriend cuddles up with his best friend on the loveseat. Both are either completely oblivious to my fuming anger and jealousy, or are doing it on purpose. No matter which one, it hurst like a bitch._  
  
 _It all started this morning when I woke up. I had rolled over to cuddle my boyfriend when I realised the bed was empty. No sign of him anywhere. Not even a shirt on the floor from last night’s activities. That’s when I heard it. Louis’ laughter. I had quickly put on a shirt, wandered down the stairs and into the kitchen of our flat. I chocked on my own spit at the sight in front of me. He was sitting on Louis’ lap, feeding him like they were a couple. To say I felt jealous was an understatement. I cleared my throat to grab their attention, and neither of them jumped or even flinched. They both turned their heads in my direction and smirked at me. I stood there dumbfounded. They didn’t even look the slightest bit guilty that I had caught them in the act._  
  
 _They raised their eyebrows at me, waiting for me to say something. I couldn’t find any words, so I just sighed and walked back out of the kitchen and up to my room, still hearing the giggling and laughing in the background._  
  
We all stood up when the priest and his procession came down the isle between the plastic chairs. A slow, sad song played while they were walking, and I could barely keep myself upright. This is really happening. He’s really gone. The procession stopped at the foot of the makeshift alter, and the priest stood up to the microphone.   
  
“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of a very special individual.” I could hear the sobs coming from the crowd, and the snap of many camera’s trying to get the best shot. I could see from the corners of my eyes, my fellow bandmates were already crying and holding on to each other. I willed my tears away, I would not cry. I had to be strong because crying wasn’t going to bring him back.  _And now the whole between my lungs, is where my heart should’ve hung, is breaking for you._  
  
***  
 _“Zaynnee. ZAYNNEE!” I opened my eyes to a wide awake face, and a heavy body lying on top of mine. I shake my head at his immaturity, turn my head, and went to push him off. “Don’t.” I snapped my head back in his direction at the sound of his now low and husky voice. His eyes were clouded with lust, and he smirked. “You’re not going anywhere Zayn.” I gulped loudly and prepared for whatever he had in store._  
  
 _My arms were pinned above my head and my body unable to move. His legs straddled my waist as he leaned down to my ear. “I’m gonna make you feel so good Z. Gonna make you wish you’d never left.” The few days beforehand, I had gotten fed up with his and Louis’ games, so I left. I ignored every phone call, text message, and pleading letter. I slept with anyone and everyone to try and get over my heartbreak but nothing could fill the empty space in my chest. It ended up all over the news ‘One Direction’s Zayn Malik newest manwhore.’ The next day I had gotten a very, very angry phone call from Liam, explaining how my baby hadn’t left his room in days, and when he did, he was covered in my clothes and he looked very malnourished. Instantly I packed up the small amount of my belongings that I took with me, and moved back into my house to be with him._  
  
 _For some strange reason, he forgave me. All I had to say was, “I’m sorry.” And I was back. No yelling or crying, just forgiveness. Since that day, he had never flirted so much with Louis, and whenever Lou came over, he would always make sure that I came first. I think he must’ve explained things to Louis, as he came up to me and apologised for the way he had been acting, and said that he wasn’t aware of the pain he was causing. Of course I forgave Lou, I mean he’s my best mate and bandmate, I wasn’t going to hate him forever._  
  
 _I was brought back to reality when I felt wet, warm lips on mine, trying to grab my attention. As soon as I kissed back he pulled away, the tease. I glared at him with clouded, lustful eyes, and he chuckled. “I’m not going to make this easy for you Z.” He leaned back down to my ear and whispered, “You’re going to have to BEG.” I moaned and bucked my hips, silently telling him to hurry up. He chuckled again, and started to massage my chest with his large hands. “Patience Zayn, patience.” He slowly began to undo the buttons of my pajama shirt, kissing the skin softly. As his hands were otherwise occupied, I moved mine to entangle in his hair, massaging his head, eliciting a soft moan from him, making me smirk._  
  
 _He finally finished with my shirt, and moved to sucking on my nipples; making them harden and me moan. His large hands traced my slightly defined abs, and I moved my head back groaning in pleasure. Once he had finished his task, he sat up making our members rub against each other, both of us moaning in sync. My hands left his hair, and to both his hipbones, place with the end of his shirt. One of his hands moved to my left hipbone - rubbing his thumb in circles over my skin - and the other to my face, holding it ever so softly. “You are so beautiful Zayn.” My eyelids fluttered closed and I moved head more into his hand. I felt him lift himself off my lap, and his lips ghosted over mine. “Please don’t ever leave me again.” His lips finally came into contact with mine, kissing me passionately and hard; putting all his emotions into it._  
  
 _My grip on his sides increased, pulling him closer to me, our chests touching; clothes on exposed skin. My fingers drifted to the bottom of his shirt, moving it up and trying to pull it over his head. He pulled away from the snog so that it could easily slip up and over his head. As soon as it was off he reattached our lips. I surprised him by flipping us both over so that now I was on top and he was underneath me. I pulled away and looked him in the eyes. Love was displayed all over his face, and I was sure that mine reflected his. “I love you so much.” I spoke to him softly. He smiled and pulled my head back down to his. What followed was filled with as much love and passion as we could, taking our time, never wanting it to end. Once we were finished, he was cuddled up into my side, his head laying on my chest. My fingers were gently carding through his hair, and his fingers delicately stroked one of my many tattoos on my hip. He didn’t know it, but that one that he was tracing, I got it for him. It was a tattoo of a love heart. Yeah it’s cheezy, but it means so much; my heart is his, forever._  
  
 _He moved his head slowly, so that he was looking me directly in the eyes. He raised his hand to my face, his thumb gently rubbing my cheek. “Happy 6 months baby.”_  
  
  
Liam was called to the podium to speak a few words. We all voted him, as we new that he would be the strongest out of all of us. It was kind of selfish for us to do so, but he gladly accepted it. Louis had to pry the arms of Niall off Liam’s body, so that Liam could walk. He wiped the tears away from his eyes as he stood before us all, ready to speak into the mic. He cleared his throat and began.  _The future burns so bright, it’s gonna be alright, there was someway we could’ve shared the pain, I could’ve helped you._  
  
***  
 _“That’s what makes you beautiful.” He sung the last line of What Makes You Beautiful, we all gathered to do the group bow, and he made sure that he was at the opposite end to me. My heart dropped a little, he is still mad at me. Well technically I should be mad at him! Today is our 1 year anniversary, and he forgot. Not only did he forget, but he spent the day with Louis, again. I thought we had gotten past this six months ago, but obviously not. I am angry at that, but what I am most angry about is the fact that even when the boys mentioned it to him backstage (I was eavesdropping give me a break), he just brushed it off as if he didn’t even care about it. I was so upset that I ran away and locked myself in one of the bathrooms and cried. Yes, I cried okay. I wasn’t even going to go onstage but Niall practically dragged me out._  
  
 _I wasn’t myself on stage though. I didn’t move around, and my strong notes were weak. I knew that I had let everyone down, including the fans. The boys new something was off with me, but they couldn’t quite work out why. All of them came up to me and asked me what was wrong, everyone but him. So when we went back onstage for the last few songs, I was so drained and lifeless that you could barely hear me. I’m pretty sure that someone had to sing one of my solo’s for me._  
  
 _So after the group bow, we all made our way offstage. I walked the quickest; I couldn’t wait to just get away. I practically threw my mic at the backstage people, and tore my clothes off my body, ready to get changed into something comfortable and back on the bus. We had been traveling around America for our Take Me Home tour, and it’s ironic that I really, really want to go home right now. We had about 5 more shows before we got a two week break. I sighed as I realised that I’m going to have to be stuck in a confined space with him, with nowhere to go. I made my way to my dressing room threw on a hoodie and some sweatpants, put my earphones in and walked back out the door onto the bus._  
  
 _As I climbed in, I could hear moaning coming from the bunks. I crept closer, and instantly wished that I hadn’t. He was on top of Louis making out. My anger took control of my actions, and I picked him up and threw him to the floor. This time they looked shocked and scared. “Z, I…”_  
  
 _“NO! You know what? FUCK YOU.” I looked down at his frightened face, and I almost let my anger slide. But then I remembered what today was and I was right back. “DO YOU KNOW WHAT TODAY IS?” He looked at me shocked, and so I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. “DO YOU??” I asked again. He shook his head fast and I let him fall. Tears were sliding down my face as I began to yell again. “TODAY IS OUR 1 FUCKING YEAR ANNIVERSARY.” Guilt replaced his fear and I chuckled without humor. “And I come in here and find you and Louis going at it. How long?” He looked to Louis, and then back to me._  
  
 _“I- I don’t understand?”_  
  
 _“DON’T GIVE ME THAT BULLSHIT. YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT I MEAN. HOW. LONG. HAVE YOU AND LOUIS. BEEN. TOGETHER.” He whimpered at my forcefulness, and began to crawl backwards. He began to shake his head and sobbing. Louis clambered off the bunk down to him, and holding the sobbing mess in his arms. Louis glared at me, and I almost strangled him. Almost. I stormed out off the bunk section of the bus to the living room and punched the wall. I cursed as I felt some of the bones in my hand break, and I heard feet come running. I fell to the floor and curled up into a ball, letting tears flow down my face, and sobs to escape my lips. I felt warm arms around me, lifting me onto a chair, and into their chest. It didn’t matter who it was, I just knew that I needed someone. I felt warm fingers run through my hair, and this time I didn’t care. They whispered sweet nothings in my ear, trying to get me to calm down. They rocked me back and forth, and started to sing to me. It was Liam. Of course it was. He was always taking care of me and the lads, being daddy direction. “It was our one year Liam. One Year.”_  
  
  
“He was our best mate, brother,” Liam looked at me and smiled sadly. “And boyfriend. Always goofing around, making us smile. When things got hard, he was always the one to say that everything was going to be alright. He was always having the time of his life, enjoying every aspect of the boyband life. But for some reason, he had his own problems, but never shared them with us. Always hid them away. Even to his boyfriend. He thought his problems were lesser than our own, so he kept them to himself. There were ups and downs, but mainly ups. His cheekiness which nearly always got him into trouble, his dimples which always seemed to win the ladies, and men, over. His willingness to take a photo with as many fans as he possibly could. He never, ever gave up. But I guess things took there toll on him, and he eventually lost control. Wherever he is now, I hope things are better than they were down here.” Liam began to breakdown into sobs, but continued his speech anyway. “We are so sorry that we couldn’t be there for you enough. I’m so sorry that I didn’t notice that you were slowly breaking down on the inside. I’m just… I’m just so sorry. We love you.” I’m not sure whether that was the end of his speech, but I’m pretty sure that he wasn’t going to be able to continue. Liam slowly made his way back to his chair, where Niall enveloped him in a tight hug, both crying into each others shoulders.  _We won’t wake up together, you’re higher than the world, I know you’re doing fine. You did it for yourself. You’ve done away with leaving, more than just a mark. Yeah I know you fell from heaven, you just ran out of luck._  
  
***  
 _He became more silent after that. We hadn’t spoken in weeks. He always stuck to himself, not even Louis could speak to him. Of course he would flash a smile and fake happiness for the fans onstage, we all did. But as soon as the concert was over, so was his facade. Nothing could make him smile like he used to. I tried to say sorry of course, but he wouldn’t listen. I would lay awake at night, and listen to him sob when he thought that everyone was asleep. I also heard him talk in his dreams, after he had cried himself to sleep. He was always apologising to me, saying how sorry he was for fucking everything up. When he was out one time, I snuck to his bunk and laid down, inhaling his scent. I was cuddling his pillow when my hand came across something cold and hard on the bed._  
  
 _I picked it up and looked at it. It was a blade, and it had blood on it. I couldn’t believe my eyes. He had been cutting himself this entire time and I didn’t even realise it. Why would he do this? Why wouldn’t he just talk to us instead? I heard the door of the bus open, but I couldn’t move an inch. I heard footsteps come into the bunk room, and stop short of the bed. I heard a gasp come from somewhere beside me, but I couldn’t bring myself to lift my head. A hand reached out towards mine and snatched the blade away. I lifted my head then, eyes filled with tears. He stood above me, looking scared and helpless. “Why?” I asked. He started to tremble and shake. Tears began to fill his eyes, and his expression turned to anger._  
  
 _“You have no right to go through my stuff Zayn! GET THE FUCK OUT.” I didn’t move though, so he pulled me up by my collar - like I had done just weeks before - and threw me to the ground. “I said. Get. The Fuck. Out.” His menacing voice scared me. I clambered away and out to the living room again, this time not punching a wall, but sitting down in silence. Mulling over what I had just witnessed._     
  
  
The priest continued with the service, the paparazzi never letting up on the photos, the fans never leaving. As the priest called upon people to leave gifts on the casket, I got to my feet, and wobbly made my way over to where it was laying. Inside the black casket, was my beloved. Reality hit me like a train, and I fell to the ground, just steps away from him. Someone came running up behind me and lifted me to my feet, their strong arms holding me steady. I turned my face expecting Liam, but it was Louis. I looked away, and we began to walk slowly to the casket. When we got there, I placed my gift onto the lid. It was his paper airplane necklace that he had given to me, just days before we found him. I took a step back and broke down again. This time Louis didn’t help me up. He knew that it was no use, and that I would just break down again. Everyone else placed their gifts onto the lid, and watched it slowly lower into the ground.

***

_I was sitting at some random bar in London when I got the phone call. Luckily it was in my pocket, otherwise I would’ve never had picked up. I checked the caller ID and it was Liam. Why is he ringing me? The last time I checked, they were all having a jolly good time without me. “Helllooo?” I slurred._

_"Zayn? How much have you had to drink?"_

_"Not eeeven a liitttle biiit." Okay I lied. I have basically drunk the bar dry._

_"Jesus. Zayn, you need to come home right now." I could tell there was something wrong by the tone of his voice. Suddenly, I wasn’t so drunk anymore._   _I hung up the phone and rushed to hail a cab. I told him the address and we sped away._

_Storming into the house, I was greeted by a very solemn group of boys. All but one. “Where is he?” I said lowly._

_"Zayn, he had to be rushed to hospital. We found him in the bathroom covered in his own blood." Niall paused and took a breath. "They’re not sure if he’s g-gonna make it."_  
  
That was when people began to leave. One by one, they paid their respects to his Mum, Stepdad, Father and Sister, and left the cemetery. The boys and I were the last ones to be there. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave. Nothing will ever be the same now that he’s gone.  _You were all alone, with your mind in pieces. Did your best to hold on, no I can’t believe it. You pushed us away, you never heard a say. You’d gone, you’d gone, so long._  I’m so sorry.  _I wish I knew._  Please forgive me.  _The future burns so bright, it’s gonna be alright. I wish there’s some way we’d share the pain._  I love you Harry.  
  
 _I could’ve helped you._


End file.
